Friday, May 10, 2013
Has anyone ever felt tired of pretending to be strong? Pretending that everything's alright and trying your best to carve a smile on your face? Pretending must be the most mentally draining thing that can ever occur to a human being. Well, maybe animals too.
Recently, I have succumbed to crying. Crying somehow makes me feel better. I once lied to myself. I once told myself that it's okay, people come and people go. However, now, the realization that, maybe, the problem lies in me, dawned upon me not very long ago. I tried to sort the problem out by myself but to no avail. I do not understand the reason behind it. Have I not put in effort? Do I have no heart? Do I really deserve this? People always say, if you work hard enough to strive for something, at the end of the run, you will achieve it. I have been trying for the past 15 years of my life, ever since I entered kindergarten. Is that not long enough? How long more do I need to try?
I'm afraid. No, actually I'm beyond afraid that the people whom I care for would eventually leave me, one by one. I loathe myself. I don't know what to do with myself. Is it my attitude? Is it my physical appearance? I don't know.
I admit it. I admit that I am seeking attention. That's only because I've never been the centre of attention before. I wonder how it feels like to be the limelight. What I can do now is hope. Hope that, one day, I can finally free myself from this evil curse that has been haunting me for my whole life. Hope that, eventually, I can fit.
Like one of them.